Learning to Love

Jehovah Rapha

Since March, Luke has been making tremendous breakthrough in the defeat of Autism! Among other things, Luke has been enjoying his brother Max more as a friend (and other social breakthroughs), he has begun to understand the concepts of emotions (happy, sad, scared, etc.), he has spontaneously told me that he loves me, he has been hugging and kissing (he used to despise this), and his language and understanding has grown in leaps and bounds (so noticeably that his teacher and teacher's aides cannot help but comment constantly)! Praise God the Father and our Lord Jesus Christ! He is faithful! Please continue to pray for Luke’s hyperactivity to be calmed, and that he would continue to be made whole!

I was encouraged by the account of Abraham in Genesis. When the Lord told Abraham that he would be the father of nations, Abraham “believed and it was credited to him as righteousness.” Abraham then waited 13 years from that point before Isaac was to come. Thirteen years!!! Abraham believed. Although MY faith may fail me and I become weak and let the lies of this broken world get to my heart, still I will press on and the Spirit inside of me will turn my eyes again to the cross. Yes, the cross. That is where my sins were paid for once for all. His blood was poured out for more than salvation. His blood was shed for our healing. Jesus was constantly healing the people that He came in contact with… physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Jesus cares about the WHOLE man.

In March, when my eyes were opened to the power that is in the NAME of Jesus Christ for Luke’s healing, I had an encounter with the Lord. I was reading an encouraging book of modern-day testimonies of those who were miraculously healed by Jesus. The book either prompted me to do so, or by my own will, I closed my eyes and imagined a scene. I saw in my mind’s eye, a crowd of people pressing toward Jesus to gaze at him as he walked through their streets. I was in the back of the crowd and He had already passed this place. I held Luke by his waist, hoisted him up and cried out desperately, “Jesus, heal him!!!!!!!” Immediately, Jesus turned toward us with the most peaceful love in His eyes. His voice was strong and confident as He proclaimed, “You are healed. And he is healed.” And with each phrase, Jesus had stretched out His hand and gestured toward the top of my head, and then the top of Luke’s head. And in that moment, Luke turned around in my arms – gazed at me with such knowing in his eyes that I had never seen before – and embraced me. Then pulling away from me, he took a second look deep into my eyes and then hugged me tightly again. This was my “vision.” And I believe that it was from the Lord, mostly because I would never have thought of such an odd scene on my own.

Well, praise be to God for what He has begun! Because He will finish what He has started!

“…being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” Philippians 1:6

I did not know what that vision meant, exactly. But have held it in my heart because it was so powerful and encouraging. I know a little more of what the Lord was trying to convey. Besides the upfront meanings: Jesus will never leave anyone behind who is sincerely believing Him for healing – He will always turn to tend to them; and that there would be a day that Luke would look me square in the eyes and have more understanding and connection (already come to pass!!!!!); but MY healing was involved in this story.

The Lord is good and He is patient. He has endured much from me and He is long-suffering in that respect. God has been revealing to me – as gently as a loving Father – that I need to put out anger and rage from my life. This is not pleasing to Him, He has better for me, and better for my household. As I am being HEALED of this deep-rooted sin, Luke (and Max and Jacob and myself!) will benefit. As you can imagine, I am quite emotional and dramatic. :) I often let my emotions do the disciplining and this is not right, nor is it godly. By means of several – and I mean several – learning experiences and words of wisdom imparted to me, I am learning the value of being even-tempered and clear-headed as I discipline the boys. This is part of MY healing!!!! Yes, Jesus said that I would be healed as well. And I can see clearly that this ties into the full healing of Luke. Yes! He must have a “safe” place to learn, grow and heal. May the Spirit of the living God come to dwell in this house like a thick cloud! And may my heart overflow with the love of Jesus Christ even in discipline! Thank You, God, for Your love and patience with me! He’s not through with me yet!

So as I move forward – believing with all of my heart that God’s Word is true – may I hold fast to the truth that does not change like shifting shadows. If I must wait 13 years as Abraham did, or 120 years as Noah did, or until the end of my days, I will trust that the Lord is working out healing for His beloved. His plan and purposes are higher than mine. His love is greater than my heart could ever know. The name of the Lord is Jehovah Rapha – the Lord, my Healer. I know Him and He knows me.

Toothpaste Lid

Me: Luke, look at my face. Is the toothpaste lid in the potty? Luke: No. Me: Is the toothpaste lid in the backyard? Luke: Yes.

Worship and Adore

I've been hungry.

Nothing seems to satisfy and my love is small.

So I knew in my heart that I was desiring to have an intense worship session with the LORD. I have been priviledged to help lead our congregation for the past three weeks in the worship of our great God. But I have felt a little pressed down. And I just needed to be free and not have a microphone in front of my lips. I had some songs and crying that I wanted to direct straight to the Lord.

He is faithful. God is faithful to encourage me as my heart sings His praises. He encouraged me with truths, such as:

* Holy, Holy, You are Holy. You alone stand, but we will fall. Fall at Your feet in awe of You. Like grass in the field, we will wither and fall - but You will remain standing! You are faithful, LORD!

* During "Mighty to Save" I cried out to Him, "Lies and thoughts of death and DEFEAT cloud my mind and come into my heart - But You speak LIFE! VICTORY! RESTORATION! HEALING!

* You did not come to condemn the world, but to SAVE it!

There were three painting artists who were painting large canvases as the worhip team lead us in song. I happen to be standing and worshiping near the altar where they were painting. And my eyes were delighted to see one picture in particular emerge: street signs. She was painting this gorgeous purple and black picture, but then it became a black post that had a purple sky behind it. I knew then that the LORD had drawn me there and was faithful to meet me when I seek Him.

Street signs are a big part of our lives right now because Luke is obsessed with streets. He chooses the roads that we take as we drive to school - there are many backroads. And Luke amazes everyone with his memory of the city and the streets. The street names of the painting were appearing slowly as she painted. Her street signs read: HOPE, NATIONS, LOVE, FREED WAY, ACCESS. And at the bottom, she painted, "freedom fighters." It was beautiful and I thank the Lord right now for sending this painting of street signs to encourage my heart. God is alive and He loves me! God is alive and He is purposing my steps. God is alive and He is actively pursuing me. God is alive and He speaks.

When Luke begins to ramble on about the street signs and the direction that we are driving, I will choose to remember this painting. That the Lord has formed Luke and:

I have HOPE for Luke's life to be full.

And that Luke's story of triumph over Autism may reach the NATIONS.

The Lord has poured out His LOVE on Luke all the days of his life.

Luke will go in the FREED WAY of the Lord all the days of his life.

God has given Luke ACCESS to all of His riches through the blood of Jesus Christ!

Reliable Source

If you know me, then you know that I try (ever so hard) not to miss an opportunity to mention God, the Bible or Jesus Christ whenever I can squeeze it in. Ha! The Name of the Lord is powerful and even His Name cuts us to the heart. Because He is alive! And He is Lord!

 The other day I was in Luke's therapy office waiting for a lady to come speak to me. As I waited, the two office staff ladies were discussing recycling. It was a casual conversation. It was lighthearted as we were thinking of where to take different recyclables. The conversation went a bit like this:

Lady: "I just don't know where to take old microwaves and toasters. I hate to throw it away in the garbage because I know it won't break down and it'll just be sitting in a landfill for the next 1000 years." Me: "Oh don't worry! The world will be gone by then. Lady: "Oh you are probably right." Me: "The whole earth will go up in flames. I heard it from a reliable source. The Bible." Silence....... and the lady turned back to her desk.

You see, the Bible, the truth, God, Jesus... all offensive. The truth offends our flesh, that is to say, our mortal man. When those who are perishing are reminded of that fact, it is frightening. That woman MUST now wrestle with the truth that the earth will come to an end and so will she. Nothing lasts in this life.

"For we are to God the aroma of Christ among those who are being saved and those who are perishing. To the one we are the smell of death, to the other, the fragrance of life." 2 Co 6:16

" The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanthing anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. But the day of the Lord will come like a theif. The heavens will disappear with a roar; the elements will be destroyed by fire, and the earth and everything in it will be laid bare." 2 Peter 3:9-10

Decoration Hair

Today Max and I were at the full-service car wash. We watched the cars as they passed through the wipers, sponges and spray foam for those cars who could afford the wax. He stood on the bench and reached out to touch a faux plant cascading down from its cheap basket dwelling.

I said, "Be careful Max, don't break it."

Max said, "It's decoration." And he knows that we don't touch "decorations."

"Yes, it's decoration," I replied.

He went on to say, "It's the car wash decoration."

Then five minutes later, I was playing with his hair and he began to squiggle and fuss to pull his head away from my hand.

I said, "Oh Max, I like to play with your hair."

He said, "No. It's decoration hair."

24 Hours in a Day

Hello friends,

I am learning more and more that there are only 24 hours in a day. Hours turn to days, days to weeks, and weeks to months. At the end of the day, I pray that I have used my time in a way that will bear fruit. Good fruit. Fruit that lasts. With that said, my blog has not been a place that I run to. It has not been an outlet that I have needed. The truth is - I love to share life lessons with friends. I just love it! God is always working something out of me. I must go through the cleansing fire. Sometimes I can sing a song from the flames - and other times I must clench my teeth and endure. Life is not easy. Nobody's is. (Don't ever let Satan fool you that enough beauty, enough fitness, enough money, or enough status will free you from the hardships of life. Many will put up a good front, but this life has it's troubles. That lie will often creep up in me and I become bothersome by those who seem to have it "so easy") So as I go through the fire, many disgusting sins and shameful attitudes of the heart emerge. I say, "Come Lord and purify me! Burn away the impurities! Don't leave me as I am! I am not a clear reflection of You! Change me!!!!!" So many subjects that are on my heart are private and personal. Not things to share with 100 people.

I only have recently realized that I coming out from under a dark cloud. While in many ways I have been the same ol' Cara that you all know and love (wink), I have to live a life without an step-by-step parenting instruction booklet. And that is hard for me. It is hard for me to adapt to Luke sometimes. I'm never quite sure when to respect his limitations or when to push the boundaries to help him grow. Luke takes not just the normal amount of attention. When he is awake (all day) he must be monitored. Or he will go eat the toothpaste, or pull all of Max's clothes out of the closet onto the floor, or other forms of mischief. I have run the gamut on WHICH discipline action to take. Sometimes he just laughs and laughs when he gets a spanking. Other times he is crushed. Sometimes a timeout is just a silly time for him. Other times he is crushed. There is no rule book for raising him. Every day is full of new ideas and new strategies to help Luke. I'm not exaggerating. Every day.

That has been my dark cloud. But it is always darkest before the dawn! "Hallelujah," I shout! Progress, baby, progress! Let's give the highlights: Luke is communicating! I mean VERY clear communication - his understanding and abstract thinking is growing tremendously. His school teacher and all of the teacher aides cannot stop telling me how VERY well he is doing this school year! Oh yeah! So I am able to reason with him much more now. Also, he is beginning to enjoy Max. They play under the covers on the beds and make a "tent" - they crawl and giggle and truly enjoy playing. The last couple of days, Luke has started a new game: Luke looks into Max's face and says, "Octagon" and then Max says, "Octagon" and Luke lights up! Then Luke goes on with other words and Luke and Max just laugh!!! Also Luke is just enjoying new things... he's actually not paying attention to t.v. - I have it off most of the day now - he used to want the same movie over and over for weeks, then change to another show or movie. But now he has new interests. Some are funny: drinking his chocolate milk while propped on his pillows (ya know - like when you are sick) and he wants his shades pulled and his light off - oh goodness!; and he's been drawing - lots of imagination going into it when I stay with him to help. ETC.... Anyway - Luke is just doing SO well right now! (But I'm still praying for full healing! And I'm still tweaking the odd behaviors.) Again, I have to press him past his comfort zones so that he won't be a stick-in-the-mud.

And then there is the rest of life and the other going-ons that demand my love and attention. First, my relationship with God and my time reading the Scriptures, reading encouraging devotionals, praying and such. Second: my husband, our special time that only comes when the boys are asleep or we go on a date. Third: Luke and Max receiving what they NEED from me. Max has no disabilities but that does not mean he is free of struggles and needs. He needs to know that he's important. And that means TIME! He's a budding 2 year old and he thinks he's ready to take on the world. Well he needs direction! Fourthly: my home - I don't have a maid. Fifthly: my commitments to worship at church. Things are changing as of tomorrow! We have a new worship pastor, so he is taking the reigns and my role will be less demanding. It's been so great, but now it's time for a new season at church. Lord, have Your way. I'm heavily committed for singing in September, but I am not choosing the songs, nor am I leading the congregation.

So there you go: my excuses for neglecting my blog. I was strongly considering canceling it tonight, but when I logged in, I saw that I still get an average of 8 hits a day. And I haven't written in 6 months! To those faithful ones who checked (Mom & Meme & others) I love ya! The fire is still burning in me and outside of me - so it may just be a time for a new song! And if I have a song to sing, then I want to share it! (I already have some ideas of things to share, but it's late. Check in this week.)

Great and Wonderful Things

UPDATE - UPDATE - UPDATE

Honestly, things are going so very well right now. The biggest news, Jacob and I would agree, is that Luke has begun to eat REAL food again. We are so happy… especially me, since this was my battle for three meals a day. I felt as if I were facing a giant. In short, Luke had so many oral sensitivities that he had slowly refused food after food. He made a further setback last summer, when we went to Mexico. Luke was so defensive toward the foreign food that he would only eat chips, cookies, and smoothies. Because I was able to load these smoothies with lots of nutrition and calories, I was not worried, but I was still very frustrated. This continued even when we returned home. He simply refused all nutritious food… even vomiting when he was too close or imagined himself eating a food (macaroni). So obviously I was intimidated and blamed the Autism.

This past December, Luke became very ill… worsening every day. On his last day of antibiotics, instead of getting better, he came down with a terrible fever, began to smell with a foul odor coming from his face (his eyes had been discharging for days, but we thought it was pink eye), and finally, Luke stopped not only eating, but would not drink anything. We ended up in the hospital from Dec 20-22. It was horrible because Max and I were also sick. So I was in the hospital caring for Luke but I was becoming more and more sick and my little Max was at home, sick, without his momma for two days. And I really wondered if we were going to come home in time for Christmas.

After the illness and the hospital stay, Luke refused his smoothie cups and his juice cups. I was scrambling. He would only accept milk if it was a single-serve, boxed Horizon organic vanilla milk (adoringly referred to by my boys as “Starbucks milk”). So he was down to those milks and junk food – pretzels, Nilla wafers, chips, etc. This was too much to handle. He had lost two pounds from the ordeal and now I could never imagine that he would regain the weight or move forward at all. Enter: God.

Jon, Christi and Sarah came to visit the family for the holidays and they brought their faith along. There was an awakening in my Spirit to pray, pray, pray. Pray like I never have before. Pray because I fully believe in the Word of God and the power of Jesus Christ for everything. The Lord was working on my heart and I repented that I had never thanked God for Luke drinking his smoothies. I despised those smoothies and now I was so sad that they were gone. I began to thank God that Luke was at least drinking those (very expensive) milks. I began to thank God for many things… and pray, pray, pray for MORE. I believe that something was broken right there in the spiritual realm and I began to seek a new avenue. With much advice and assistance, I locked up the snacks and told Luke there would be no snacks. I decided that Luke needed to get hungry enough to eat the nutritious food… especially the ones that I KNEW he was not offended by previously. It was heart wrenching, but Jacob and I joined in tearful prayer waiting for Luke to start eating again. We pleaded with the Lord to intervene and give Luke an appetite.

We locked up the snacks on a Saturday morning. He ate turkey on Monday night (Jan 12th). Debra (Jacob’s mom, Luke’s grandma) was able to calmly coax him to take a bite in return for a car. She would hold Anabelle’s Hot Wheels car in her hand and say, “Do you want Anabelle’s car? Take a bite.” And she told me that he took that bite of deli turkey and said, “Mmmm… gooooood.” It has been trial… with very few errors ever since. I have special “dinner cars” that he knows are just for meal times. It’s a game, he knows it, he controls it, and he loves it. Now he feels like he has the power to say no. I’m not in his face with a fork-full of food. It has been WONDERFUL! I have been so joyful. We are talking hotdogs, corndogs, peanut butter sandwiches, chicken nuggets, and even things that are blowing my mind! Like firm pastas!!!! Luke and I play a game and he laughs and laughs… I say all of the things that I want him to eat… and I speak it as if it was true. I say, “Luke eats PIZZA! Luke eats SPAGHETTI! Luke eats CHEESEBURGERS! Luke eats PANCAKES!” And he just laughs and laughs and volunteers different foods to yell out.

One day in the beginning I thought I was “losing him” again. I was so fearful. But I looked at the situation and said, “No. I do not put my trust in a scheme. If this plan fails, then I trust that God will give me wisdom for the next answer. My help comes from the Lord.” The next meal was a success and I have been much more calm in my heart.

Other big things: Max. Music. Meetings. Ms. Becky.

Max

Max has a big personality, a big voice, a big vocabulary, a big attitude, and an even bigger butt. Ha! Actually, he’s so stocky and gorgeous. He weighs the same as Luke. He's also quite tall - like 95% in his age group. Max mostly loves everything that big bro loves… like cars and buses. But he also has a special interest in work site trucks (diggers, cement trucks, etc.) This is a special season in life because I can now see that Max is beginning to surpass or meet Luke’s progress in several areas. Max will imitate sounds and hand movements on tv. He can follow commands (ex: “See the white package? Can you get the white package and bring it to Momma?” – there was a tube of Little Einstein toothpaste right beside it so I thought he would be distracted, but he was a champ! My little helper!). All of this is important because Max will bring Luke along. These boys love each other! And I am thanking God that “He gave Max to Luke. And gave Max to the world.” As my friend Genny said on Friday. And it’s true. Max was a special gift – a brother that would help and love Luke. And become a young man that will show bold faith and love to a broken world. His favorite things are: Momma, his giraffe and blue blankets, the remote controls, playing outside with Bubba, fire engines and buses, and eating.

Music

I was asked to lead the worship services every third week at our church. It has been wonderful, fulfilling, strengthening, and faith-building. I had been singing as part of a team for a little over a year. Then the worship pastor, Greg Bailey, asked me to step up and lead out. After that, he let me know that I would be leading a team every three weeks. There are 12 musicians on the team. I am a vocalist and a worship leader, yet I do not play an instrument. The only way that I am able to lead is by the grace of God and because of VERY talented musicians on the altar with me. You’ll hear more as the months roll on. It has been so amazing.

Meetings

Greg Bailey and his wife, Mary have opened their home every Tuesday night. A group of us have met twice now and it has been so amazing! There were about 10 the first night and then second there were eight… it will ebb and flow. We sing songs, scriptures, and prayers. We intercede in prayer for others in our lives. We open our hearts to hear from the Lord and we bring praises and honor due to Him. Mary shares from the Bible and brings encouragement and inspiration. The Spirit of the Living God is moving and changes are being made!

Ms. Becky

Luke has been attending Preschool since he turned three in December. It is Monday through Friday 8-11am. This is the full-inclusion class with 24 children. Some of the children have disabilities and the other half are “typical.” His teacher has given me many good reports including how he sings their class songs throughout the day and how he is staying at the breakfast table and experimenting with some of the foods. But Luke is having problems right now with some of his behaviors. He is constantly throwing toys in the air and dumping baskets of toys. This is no surprise, since he does it at home. I am praying and will even pray now that the Lord will give me the wisdom to help Luke. I do have some resources and I am seeking help with a Behaviorist (coming to our house for evaluation on Tuesday), and Audrey from the Parent Infant Program is hoping to visit Luke’s schoolroom – observe his behaviors (see if there is a particular catalyst that starts this behavior) and then get a game plan to help. Because the class is so large, Ms. Becky suggests that Luke go to the other class for half a day (in addition to her morning class) so that he can work on this (very unruly) behavior. I’m actually just hoping that we can get him to STOP so that he won’t have to join the other class. But again, Ms. Becky wants him to remain in that class – just needs for him to get more structured so that he can learn more while he is in there.

Jesus heals! Pray for Luke! Pray that his Autism will fade away and he will be completely healed. Either way, Luke will have a powerful testimony of the love and faithfulness of the Lord.

One Bite At a Time

On Monday, the teacher told me that Luke needed more help than she could give him. She was concerned that he needed more one-one-one. She started talking about the next-door all-Autism class. I said, "It's only been 3 days." She said, "I know but I've seen a lot of kids. He's so bright... and it's not his behavior. Some of it's his age and some of it is the Autism, but he needs more structure for better 'attending'" I told her that he is imitating a lot lately and I want him to imitate these typical children. I don't feel he's right for the other class. Then my brain shut off and I went into emotional mode. I didn't cry (right there) but it just froze me up. 'Cause I was/am so proud of Luke. (Even after 3 days, I could tell his language was improving.)

After it all digested, and I had a good cry and talked it out, I realized something. I agree with her. Of course Luke needs MORE than what Ms. Becky can offer her in 3 hours every morning. And yes, he needs more one-on-one instead of being crammed in situations with 23 other students. That's when I remembered that during our conversation, Ms. Becky had said that she would keep him in the class through the year, but that I should watch him. So the next morning, when I dropped off Luke, I thanked her and told her that I agreed with her. And that I was ON the case. Yes, Luke needs more than her class. And together we discussed that she does not want Luke to leave the class, but we need to ADD to this class. So yes, I'm on the case. Soon we will begin adding in some playgroup time - several sessions a week. I'm working out the details with the Parent Infant Program that offers the playgroups. This will more of the "structured" time that Ms. Becky was referring to. Plus, I’m not just relying on these 3 hour segments to be entirely responsible for all of Luke’s learning. I’m here!

Well it is always darkest before the dawn!!! Today (only four days later!) Ms. Becky told me that Luke had a VERY good day today. She told me about his breakfast time and how great he was. You may know that Luke has extreme texture sensitivities, so he only eats a limited variet of crunchy snacks (pretzels, assorted crackers, chips) and I supplement that with healthy, calorie-dense smoothies and drinks. He avoids anything sticky or squishy. Ms. Becky told me that when she offered the children their choice of breakfast items, Luke took all of them: apple slices, sausage, and a long, Eclair-shaped, filled donut. She said that he licked the apple and gnawed a bit on it. He took a bite of the sausage - but promptly spit it out. And he squished the donut all in his hands. She said he didn't like that at all. But she was proud of him because he stayed in his chair and let her clean him up. The thing that is amazing about that is that Luke MUST begin to touch squishy foods before he will EVER eat them. He can't eat what he will not tolerate touching. She was pleased to say that Luke stayed at the table the whole time. The thing that is amazing about that is that Luke MUST begin to touch squishy foods before he will EVER eat them. He can't eat what he will not tolerate touching.

It was just so great to get a good report! In time I believe that Luke will start introducing new foods! The teacher aids said that he was not interested in drinking his smoothies at all. He tosses them away. Alright! Great! Get that positive peer pressure going!

Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays!

This is going to be my favorite Christmas so far! That is because last Christmas, neither of my boys really played much. But now, Max is 20 months and Luke is 3 and had all of that play-based training... so they are so playful and LOVE toys. I'm not going to put out the wrapped Christmas gifts until Christmas Eve... my boys just really can't handle it. Or maybe it's ME that can't handle Luke and Max jacking with the gifts all day.

Luke loves the Christmas tree. He figured out the tree lights go on and off with a button... so occasionally he'll get crazy with it. But otherwise, I just have to keep him from driving his beloved cars on the bottom tree branches. Most every night I find a car or two in the tree. Cute!

Max is talking so much now. It's so great. He says "Dax" for his name. And just like big brother, he loves school buses. He calls it a "Dus" and points them out on the road. He likes to say the colors "blue," "yellow," and "red." He's not interested in saying the others. Max adores Bob the Builder and I'm so excited to give him his Bob gifts this Christmas.

Love y'all.

How God Prepared Me For Worship Leading

Whoa. What a title! I can only write those words because I believe them in my inmost parts. And I believe because God has confirmed it in my soul.

This fall season I changed Luke’s therapy schedule so that I could take part in the Friday morning Bible study again. I really missed it during the beginning of this year. I was so excited to get involved again and reconnect with my friends. I had been approached in January to sing with the worship leader for Bible study… but I had to turn her down due to Luke beginning Speech therapy and such. So this time around I told the Women’s Ministry Director, Julie, that I was free to sing along this season… just the leader know that I’ll be there. Meanwhile, my friend, Jessica, called me and asked me to consider co-leading a group with her for the Bible study. I prayed about it and I really didn’t feel any hesitation. I figured, after all, I was going to be at the meetings anyway, and I would love to eventually lead a discussion group. So I accepted. There! Ah! I have now accepted one new responsibility along with my long lists of mommy things. I can handle one new, challenging thing at a time, thank you very much. But God had other things in mind. (His thoughts are higher than our thoughts.)

The next thing I know, Julie calls me and says that nobody stepped up to lead worship for Friday morning Bible study. I was like, “What?! Well God’s name must be lifted up! Even if I have to sing aCappella with no instruments, the ladies must have a chance to sing together.” She asked if I would be willing to lead and she could ask Sharon to play the keyboard. I didn’t know Sharon yet. But I had met her once. This was a huge stretch for me. I do not play any instruments. I’m only a vocalist. But I felt like I needed to step up because no one else was. (Opportunity.) I called my friend, Diana, and she agreed to sing with us. I met with Sharon and she is so talented and precious. What a team the Lord put together!

Immediately I clung to the Lord desperately. I knew I couldn’t do this alone. I took His hand and He took me deeper. Deeper. Deeper. Who can know the depths of the Lord? There is always more to learn about Him and more reasons to love Him and trust Him. Before I could move forward I had to deal with a rotten sin. I say “rotten” because that is exactly what it had been doing to me. Rotting my life away. I was rotting with envy. Bitterness. And Hatred. There was a scenario in my life that I did not agree with. I was unhappy and my mind and evil heart waged war against the Holy Spirit within me. (Read my “bitter root” poem coming soon. I wrote it following this event but haven’t cleaned it up yet.)

My friend, Linda, is a great worship leader. She plays the guitar, she prays wonderful prayers, chooses awesome songs, is beautiful with stunning, long hair that flows to her mid-back in lovely shades of auburn, she sings with passion and conviction. Now SHE is the lady to lead Fridays. I show up for the first morning of worship, and Linda was there! I was thinking, “Get up here and do your thang! I am totally inadequate!” But I just hugged her and figured there must be a reason she didn’t agree to lead. The worship was such a blessing. It was so GREAT! Not because of me, but because it all came together so wonderfully! I was a bit out of my element… ok, a lot out of my element. But I trusted that I was doing what needed to be done. Later, Linda and I were on the phone and she told me that the Lord has taught her a valuable lesson: leaders must step back at times so that other leaders can rise up. I thanked her and appreciated her humble decision because I was really enjoying this new role.

The next Sunday at church we had a powerful time of extended worship music. There was a great move of the Lord (I mean that our hearts were moved within us and the Spirit of God was working powerfully in mine!). I was standing during one song and crying because I was considering all that Luke is going through right now. And it is difficult in so many ways. Then these words came to me so I sat down and wrote them in my journal, “There is more to My plan and MORE to this world I have placed you in than JUST Autism. Keep worshiping. Keep singing the songs I give you. I have a purpose. Be a jar of clay that My Spirit can live in and shine through. Keep living. Keep living a FULL life.” – God.

So when Greg Bailey, the worship pastor of our church, called me three days later, I was ready to say “yes!” He asked me if I would consider leading our team just a week and a half later. He encouraged me and laid it in my lap. I would run the rehearsal on Thursday night, and then stand in the place of leadership on the stage and he would fall in line with the other musicians. He was still going to be there to help as much as I needed him. That’s when things really picked up. I was so nervous because I wanted it so badly. I was afraid to tell anyone at first because I figured maybe things would change and it wouldn’t work out after all. (I always feel that way when I want something terribly… I start imagining scenarios where that thing is stripped from me. Ugh!) I was given the great privilege of selecting the songs, styles, etc. for our service. And with this responsibility, came a great desire to reflect the Lord in every way. I was desperate for his cleansing. I wanted to be pure, blameless, spotless. I just felt so unworthy. Inadequate. But I knew that I needed to walk in this direction. So I began to pray more. And ask the Lord for more help.

Then the Lord brought me to the verse in Jeremiah that I wrote about in my previous blog entry, “Precious and Worthless.” It says, “But if you will extract the precious from the worthless, you will become My spokesman.” That word led me to further pull away from the petty distractions in my life and really tune into what God would have me do with my time. On this particular week… it was to prepare to lead. I felt as though I were a Hobbit in the movie The Lord of the Rings. And Greg had asked me to stand on the mountaintop and put the gold ring on. As soon as I did, that terrible, evil eye could see me! I was prime target. I was just on high alert. I was standing in the back yard as my boys played and this awful feeling came over me. I couldn’t put it in words at the moment… I just said, “Oh! I’ve gotta pray! I’ve gotta read the Bible now!”

And as I heard my mind rehearse that line for the ump-teenth time that week, I realized how WRONG my motive was. I was in FEAR. Somewhere inside of me, I just felt like I was going to get on that stage and He wouldn’t be there. It would just be me. With a mic. No spirit. No life. And because of those feelings I was running to God, sort of begging Him to show up. Begging Him not to leave me out in the cold. I sat down right then and there and apologized to the Person of the Holy Spirit (He is a He! A person! Reference: John 14:16)… I confessed that I had been trying to “conjure” Him up. As if the Lord is some kind of ghost! And if only I could say the right chant He will come! OH NO! Those are all lies! I declared that Jesus will never leave me nor forsake me. His word says that He is ALWAYS with me. That was a powerful moment and I was able to walk out the rest of the week with more peace.

The final touch was Sunday morning. When I help to lead worship, I like to begin the day with a Starbucks Bible Study. I love the atmosphere in there. I can always seem to get “lost” in the richness of God’s word and place it against my heart for comparison. (Ouch!) I found myself in 1 Kings 18:20 and beyond. I will paraphrase the story for ya. Elijah was the last prophet of the Lord that was left. He called the people of Israel together and also the 450 prophets of Baal. He said to the people, “How long will you hesitate between two opinions? If the Lord is God, follow Him; but if Baal, follow him.” Elijah suggested a “show-down” of sorts… the prophets of Baal could call on their god, and Elijah would call on his God – whoever sent down fire from heaven to burn up the offering – that was the true God. Everyone liked the idea. So the prophets of Baal cried loudly and cut themselves. They were bleeding and crying out to their god, but no one answered. Then it was Elijah’s turn. He rebuilt the altar of the Lord and asked the people to cover the altar with water. After pouring and pouring, the altar was drenched. Elijah then approached the altar and said a simple, humble prayer to God. Basically, “Oh Lord, today let it be known that You are God.” BOOM! The fire of the Lord fell and consumed the burnt offering and the wood and the stones and the dust, and licked up the water!

With that scripture, I was FULL of confidence in the Lord. God just said to me, “Hey. There is no need to cut your self and put on a big show to call me down from the heavens. You just humbly go up there to the altar. I am God. I will not leave You. I will make my presence known. I am the fire that burns hearts and I will fall on my people. Cara, be faithful. I will also be forever faithful.”

I took the stage. And so did God.